When you process pain, you’re choosing to feel pain “on purpose.”
Say what?! Why on earth would you want to do that?!
Because here’s the thing, pain doesn’t go away when you avoid it. It just gets shoved to the side and then stews and festers there in the background. And if you leave it long enough, it can end up seeping out into every other aspect of your life so that your always creating this low grade unease and anxiety.
No, this is not how we live life anymore. The goal is to process and allow pain now instead of stockpiling it for later.
And you do that by actively letting it in instead of trying to escape the pain with pleasure (food, alcohol, media).
Here are eight helpful steps to break this process down:
1. Allow the feeling to be in your body. You can say in your mind “I am processing disappointment.”
2. Notice any desire to react, resist and avoid. Just let the desire be there without acting on it.
3. Acknowledge that this feeling is part of being human. Allow it to be there and notice the thoughts that increase it.
4. Write down your thoughts as they come up. Notice how they affect the feeling.
5. Don’t try to change your thoughts yet. You have to process the feeling first before you’re ready to think something different.
6. Own your pain and that you are the one causing it with your thoughts, and that is okay.
“I am responsible for this pain. I have created it with my mind. I can learn so much if I go in without resistance. I can meet myself intimately on the inside. I forgive myself for my part in this. I accept myself for who I am. I am not this experience. I am good. If I create pain with my mind, I can create relief with my mind.”
– Brooke Castillo
7. Invite yourself to let the thought that’s creating the pain go.
8. Repeat with every negative emotion that comes up. As you practice, you will get better and it will become easier.
As you start processing pain in real time when it first becomes activated, you will notice that you will have less days where you store up all the feelings and then explode three days later in a yelling and crying meltdown.
Just a year ago, I used to do this all of the time, but as I’ve worked on processing, I now catch the thoughts and feelings earlier when there’s just one or two emotions.
Instead of letting them back up (like old to-do lists or unanswered emails), I try to allow them in real time.
This is possible for you too! And the sooner you get started, the more life you’ll get to experience with this skill in your back pocket.